By Julia Beazley
The other day I stumbled across a web site that deeply troubled me. The particular post that led me there in the first place was one that had, by its own admission, intentionally and misleadingly ‘cited’ studies revealing that women, particularly college women, who were victims of acquaintance rape, not only didn’t mind but actually reported positive feelings about the experience. The writer went on to selectively quote other studies in order to give the impression that women actually fantasize about being overpowered by men. In the closing sentences the writer confirmed that the studies identified had been misread, misquoted, and in some cases don’t exist, and that the purpose of the piece was to draw attention to the kind of misquoting that had been used by and accepted from feminist sources.
And there sits his post, floating casually on a website that is a veritable pool of anger, hate, justification and misinformation from men who (perhaps rightly, I don’t care to dig deeper into it) consider themselves victims of misandry – hatred or contempt for men.
I won’t name the site, because it truly doesn’t merit the attention. But it’s clear that it is being presented as a means of fighting back against what is perceived as rampant man-hating, both personal and societal. I assure you, there isn’t a single thing about this site, its’ content, or any others out there that might be like it, that I would defend or excuse. Not one.
But once my disgust began to dissipate, it was slowly replaced by a sense of despair. Is there not a way out of this ugly cycle?
True feminism – and I think I know some of the best and the brightest among them – as I understand it, has very little to do with hating men. Of all the ways I might describe feminist women – tough, smart, bold, courageous, passionate, even revolutionary – misandrist would not appear on the list. True feminism sees inequities and calls for a better way of living together.
But progress is not as fast as some might either think or desire it to be. There have been meaningful victories, but also areas that are strongly resistant to change, which leads to frustration. And unfortunately, one of the responses to this frustration is a sometimes extreme representation of feminism that can look an awful lot like misandry.
Fight fire with fire? The thing is, whether you’re talking to a five year old or an adult, naming the worst in someone rarely succeeds in calling out the best in them.
Wikipedia describes misandry as the opposite or antonym of philandry; the fondness towards men, love or admiration of them. Misogyny, is the hatred of women, but is also used to describe behaviours such as sexual discrimination, violence against and sexual objectification of women. These behaviours are alive and well, and terribly relevant to current public policy discussions surrounding prostitution, human trafficking and pornography. Finding ways to counter and dismantle misogynistic structures and attitudes that fuel these things is critical.
But misandry is not the answer, nor the solution, to misogyny. Fire begets fire. Hate breeds hate. Mistrust births only mistrust. Misunderstanding leads to more misunderstanding. And around and around we go.
Regarding each other with honesty, understanding, responsibility, and respect is the only way to move toward solution in a relational world. Taking an honest look at systems, structures and ways of thinking that stem from and perpetuate inequity and then having the courage to gently, thoughtfully dismantle them is the way to douse the flames.
We can all do better. The solution will only be found together.